Sandra is busy packing presents she is sending out to lucky recipients and there is a beautiful Jazz being played. I think its Jazz.. it might not be; I am not very good at distinguishing genre. Maybe its Latin American. I had better ask.

"Sandra, what kind of music is this?"
"I don't know..."

Oh well.. Its nice and I am enjoying it.

I went back to work today; and one of the rituals of returning to work after an absence longer than just a few days is one has to go through a ritual at the surgery at the mill. This involves mostly sitting and waiting in the waiting room; and watching people with damaged feet or carrying packages of AIDs medicine walk past you. I must have sat there for at least two hours; but, I was wise enough to have brought my iPod. So I sat there listening to music and chilling out. I was leaning forward elbows on my knees and looking downwards... and I could not believe my eyes. I suddenly realised I was wearing two different kinds of shoes. Luckily they were both black. We went to my parents for dinner tonight and I showed everyone my silly shoes. My father told me, he once went to work (many many many years ago) wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe; after getting dressed in the dark not to disturb my sleeping mother. My mother then told me; that she at work today had an individual sitting in the room wearing his shoes the wrong way round. Yip. He was wearing his left shoe on his right foot and his right shoe on his left foot. She said this made it very difficult to concentrate every time she looked up and saw him.

Its getting close to midnight...

later....

www.ilan.pillemer.net

Its a bit boring at the moment....

But now I have my own website. I have a little bit of space on a server and apparently scripting and database usage.

Check it out... www.ilan.pillemer.net

later....

It's just passed midnight.... and Sandra is sitting working on her puzzle. I mean literally. She is sitting on the puzzle itself; well kneeling with her hands supporting her as she contemplates the puzzle and its pieces. Occasionally picking up a piece; whilst leaning on one hand and looking at it and the rest of the puzzle. And then stopping for a moment and then returning the piece; shifting a bit so she is leaning sideways a bit as she almost find a piece. The TV is on in the background but no-one is actually watching. Sandra is now lying sideways on the puzzle her knees bent a little as she examines a bluish piece of the puzzle.

Tomorrow I will decrease the cortisone by 5mg again; making tomorrow's dosage 50mg. Its a lot. It makes my head always feel little stretched and the insides taut - like as if there are strings tied to the insides of my ears; and a very small nasty goblin is sitting crosslegged in the middle of mind pulling the strings tight so that my head hurts. The drug also has the effect of making my mind jump very quickly; and getting distracted - which means I keep leaving things half finished. I discover cups of tea I was making etc all the time. My mind also spins on an idea obssessing on it but not necessarily progressing in the thought itself. This is most problematic when I want to go to sleep. If nothing is worrying me that fine I can just drift in my spinning thoughts like a leaf in the wind and fall into a cortisone sleep. But if something is worrying me I can end up not sleeping at all. Either way I don't get deep sleep. I sleep but its almost as if I don't get refreshed from the sleep. And I know from past experiece I will start developing rings under my eyes. Anyway enough self-pity.

I have been using this time off work, the Doctor has said I should only return to work on Monday; immersing myself in my computer. I have finally got Gnus set up and have made it my news and mail reader; and I also have been improving my Emacs familiarity. I have over the last year slowly been using Emacs more and more. It was recommended to me by a UNISA lecturer for a 3rd year course on Advancing Programming. But slowly I have been using it for more and more and more; and becoming more and more familiar with its use. Its reached the point when I am getting frustrated when using other tools such as Word or whatever because I can't do easily what I now have become accustomed to. It may seem strange to become accustomed to pressing shift-alt-> to move the end; or alt-; to make a comment... or alt-Q to reformat text.... but I have. I also have been working a bit at getting my latex2e skills up to scratch to make it my main text processor (from within Emacs of course). Who knows maybe I will write some poetry or prose again; I haven't done that since 2000. hmmmm....

Sandra is now curled forward on top the puzzle her feet tucked under her knees tucked under her arms with her elbows on the table closely examining an area of the puzzle.

I went to mincha and ma'ariv prayers this evening for the first time since I fell sick. I was blown away by the smiles on the faces of the people there when they saw me. I was warmed up by the kindness and good will that filled up the shul.

Sandra has stopped with the puzzle and is closing doors and windows and things....
later....

Well, there it went again, my bubble.... pop.

... and I got the flue, and it triggered my ITP and I found myself rushed into emergency and plugged into a drip and staring at a television screen. I am now back on the huge cortisone dosage of 60 mg a day and feeling it throughout my body, mood and mind. Its not a easy thing to keep up the smile and accept the things that one has to bear with equanamity and peace. But this is my challenge today and over the next few months as I fight to get this monster back under control again.

At least I am out of the hospital and in my home again.

later....